Episode 92. The Taste of Tsarist Perfume
Context
- Coordinated Universal Time
- Monday, August 19, 2024 - 12:56 PM
- Location
-
- Alpha Quadrant
- Tellar Sector
- USS Enterprise
- Detention Quarters
- Timeline
- Schak'Irra Timeline
- Previously
-
Lingua, Schak'Irra's artificial intelligence, now housed in a storage hold converted into a Cocoon, has been connected to Enterprise's systems. With her help, the crew has finally located its position in the Alpha Quadrant, one light-year from Tellar Prime, a civilized world capable of offering assistance and repair infrastructure. However, Enterprise remains exhausted: the engines are out of service, Schak'Irra's intermix chamber remains difficult to adapt, and tensions are rising among an exhausted crew. Still, under Captain Rodriguez's restored authority, everyone keeps hope alive. T'Met and Tarsi keep hammering away at the hybrid systems, Angie supervises the exterior work, and Gomard watches over troop morale.
Characters
| Name | Affiliation / Branch | Title / Rank | Species | Original Timeline |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Agnes V. Rodriguez | NATO / Special Fleet | Captain | Human | Schak'Irra Timeline |
| Vexoriana-Lyss'ra Tarsi | Starfleet / Temporal Division | Commander | Andorian | Prime Timeline |
| T'Met | Starfleet / Temporal Division | Captain | Vulcan | Prime Timeline |
| Vladimir Joseph Putin | Russian Empire | Grand Tsar | Human | Schak'Irra Timeline |
| Robert Gomard | NATO / Army | Colonel | Human | Schak'Irra Timeline |
| Lingua | Starfleet / Temporal Division | N/A | Artificial Intelligence | Prime Timeline |
| Victor S. Calpel | NATO / Special Fleet | Doctor | Human | Schak'Irra Timeline |
Manifest
| USS Enterprise | |
|---|---|
| Affiliation | NATO |
| Location | Alpha Quadrant, Tellar Sector |
| Captain | Agnes V. Rodriguez |
| First Officer | Angie Chen |
| Artificial Intelligence | Lingua (Unofficial) |
| Pilot | Eric Corda |
| Communications | Emilie Flores |
| Operations | Charlene Savea |
| Tactical | Vexoriana-Lyss'ra Tarsi (Unofficial) |
| Science | T'Met (Unofficial) |
| Advanced Weapons | Eros Vitos |
| Security | Robert Gomard (Unofficial) |
| Sickbay | Victor S. Calpel |
| Counselor/Consultant | Manu |
| Custodian | Manu |
| Passengers |
|
| Detainees | Vladimir Joseph Putin and his bodyguards |
TL;DR
Arriving in Enterprise's detention quarters, Agnes Rodriguez finds the Russian prisoner as smug as ever: The Grand Tsar Putin, more provocative than ever despite his captivity. The air in the cell is unbreathable, enough to drive Manu and Dr. Calpel back. But beyond the smell, something intrigues the captain: the Tsar seems strangely calm, almost satisfied, as if he knew something the others did not. Meanwhile, Tarsi is tearing her hair out over propulsion, unable to make 21st-century Earth technology coexist with Schak'Irra's systems. Back with Lingua, Agnes learns that the AI has already found a solution: reach Tellar Prime with Tal'Kyr, which could tow Enterprise once restored. The idea appeals to everyone, and even T'Met confirms the plan's feasibility.
Story
As I head to the detention quarters with Robert, several thoughts cross my mind. What am I going to do with the Grand Tsar? I was supposed to bring him back to the starbase so he could be tried for war crimes, but after its destruction, I no longer have a real reason to keep him locked up. Either way, I'm stuck with a burden I can't simply get rid of.
Col. Robert Gomard Army
Next corridor on the left, Agnes.
Capt. Agnes V. Rodriguez
Thank you, Robert, I know the way.
Col. Robert Gomard Army
I know, but you looked lost in thought. Here we are.
Capt. Agnes V. Rodriguez
Burp! It's disgusting in here!
Manu Requisitioned Civilian
Agnes! There you are! Not a moment too soon!
Capt. Agnes V. Rodriguez
What are you doing here, Manu?
Manu Requisitioned Civilian
I am cleaning up the prisoner's waste. Take this mask. It will keep you from fainting.
Capt. Agnes V. Rodriguez
Damn! What did he eat for it to stink this badly?
Manu Requisitioned Civilian
I have no idea, but I am sick of picking up his shit!
Dr. Victor S. Calpel
Captain, he is on the same diet as the crew. What's really concerning is his behavior.
Capt. Agnes V. Rodriguez
Explain, Doctor.
Dr. Victor S. Calpel
He is suffering from headaches.
Capt. Agnes V. Rodriguez
Well, in that case, give him some aspirin.
Dr. Victor S. Calpel
Believe me, I've already prescribed some, and it doesn't seem to have any effect.
Capt. Agnes V. Rodriguez
No wonder, with that smell. Robert, open his cell door.
Col. Robert Gomard Army
Fair warning, Agnes. You might lose your appetite for the rest of your life.
Capt. Agnes V. Rodriguez
I just want to see. Nothing more. Open it.
Robert unlocks the door, and inside, I expected a miserable sight. Instead, The Grand Tsar stands there with a contemptuous, vicious expression. I refuse to be intimidated and stare him down for several long minutes before he finally speaks.
Vladimir Joseph Putin Grand Tsar of Russia
The last time I saw you, you were dead... Interesting... You are Rodriguez, if I remember correctly. Captain of the NATO vessel USS Enterprise.
Capt. Agnes V. Rodriguez
That is correct. Which means I have your miserable little life in my hands, and if the foolish idea of annoying me crosses your mind, I will kick your ass out the airlock.
Vladimir Joseph Putin Grand Tsar of Russia
Rest assured. I have no intention of inconveniencing you. Everything is unfolding as planned.
Capt. Agnes V. Rodriguez
Good. In that case, we have nothing more to say to each other.
Vladimir Joseph Putin Grand Tsar of Russia
May the winds push you toward the right path, Captain Rodriguez... Ha ha ha...
The putrid smell pouring out of the cell keeps me from staying any longer. I leave The Grand Tsar to his ravings and return to Lingua's Cocoon accompanied by Robert. On the way back, we run into Tarsi, who looks exasperated...
Col. Robert Gomard Army
Our beloved little blue fairy.
Cmdr. Vexoriana-Lyss'ra Tarsi
Yeeah, you can keep your sweet talk. I'm not in the mood...
Capt. Agnes V. Rodriguez
What is going on?
Cmdr. Vexoriana-Lyss'ra Tarsi
Every time I fix something on one side, something else breaks on the other! I'm going to see Lingua so she can find me a brilliant idea.
Capt. Agnes V. Rodriguez
Don't tell me you've managed to make propulsion even worse?!
Cmdr. Vexoriana-Lyss'ra Tarsi
It could not be worse! None of your systems are compatible with Schak'Irra's components. Enterprise is a real prehistoric dinosaur! Say, what is that delicate aroma you are giving off? I'm not saying anything, but we could smell you from over 10,000 light-years away!
Col. Robert Gomard Army
We paid a little visit to the Kremlin clown.
Cmdr. Vexoriana-Lyss'ra Tarsi
Yuck. That explains it. You should take a shower! It's horrible!
Col. Robert Gomard Army
We will think about it. Here we are at the Cocoon.
Lingua
Red alert! A nauseating odor is invading the Cocoon!
Capt. Agnes V. Rodriguez
Whoa there! No panic, Lingua. It's only us.
Lingua
Sample analysis in progress... Odor detected. Source: genetic code number 0357.579.279.127.275... Database search... Match established with a 21st-century human named Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin, President of the Russian Federation...
Capt. Agnes V. Rodriguez
Putin, President? There must be a mistake, Lingua.
Capt. T'Met
Lingua is referring to the database from our timeline. From one reality to another, the biological characteristics of the same individual are usually identical, which explains the confusion.
Col. Robert Gomard Army
Well... you certainly can't accuse him of going unnoticed. Ha ha ha.
Capt. Agnes V. Rodriguez
All right, let's put the bad jokes aside. We've got bigger problems.
Cmdr. Vexoriana-Lyss'ra Tarsi
Heeey, first we need to deal with my problems! I have been banging my head against this damn propulsion for a week!
Capt. Agnes V. Rodriguez
That is why we are here, Tarsi. Lingua, have you made progress in that direction?
Lingua
Yes, Captain Rodriguez. You will be able to reach Tellar Prime aboard Tal'Kyr at warp. Tarsi will be able to repower the vessel with the dilithium reserve recovered at Area 51.
Capt. Agnes V. Rodriguez
Uh, and what about Enterprise?
Lingua
As soon as Tal'Kyr is operational, it will be able to tow the Enterprise with a tractor beam.
Capt. Agnes V. Rodriguez
So a tractor beam is basically a technology from your era that lets you tow things with a beam?
Lingua
You are correct, Captain Rodriguez. A tractor beam is a beam of energetic particles that allows an attractive or repulsive force to be exerted on an object.
Capt. Agnes V. Rodriguez
Thank you, Lingua. What do the rest of you think?
Col. Robert Gomard Army
Don't look at me, Agnes. I don't know the first thing about engineering or science fiction technology.
Capt. T'Met
Lingua's suggestion is feasible. According to my calculations, at warp 3.5, we would reach Tellar Prime in about two weeks.
Cmdr. Vexoriana-Lyss'ra Tarsi
I'm on board with that plan. But we will need to finish patching Enterprise's hull breaches.
Col. Robert Gomard Army
Angie and my teams have been working flat out on that since last week, but do not expect miracles.
Capt. Agnes V. Rodriguez
Perfect. Do your best and keep me informed of your progress. On that note, I am going to de-Putinize myself in the shower!
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